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HBO Devours Plot in Game of Thrones
(April 10, 2012)

The 1throne hereby delivers its review of episode 2 (season 2) of Game of Thrones.

It is not amused.

Some say when a desperate show and tries a cheap-trick for ratings that they have "jumped the shark." But that's not what happened here. HBO did not jump the shark.

No, friends, the producers took it up a notch. HBO producers David Benioff and D. B. Weiss assumed shark-form.

George R.R. Martin's beloved books were gorged. The limbs of his plot – realism, subtlety, and mystery – flailed in the HBO creature's mighty jaws.

There was no logic to the plot changes. HBO showed no passion for Martin's story. The creature was an eating machine.

Realism fell first.

In his books, George R.R. Martin deigned mentioning words “brothel” and  King's council member “Petyr Baelish” in the same sentence.  So in HBO's 'interpretation' Baelish is still a King's council member, but works in a brothel full-time. His duties include prepping employees for their next client by wiping ejaculate from their maw. A great side-effect is half-the-show is now set in a brothel, which, of course, is a natural epicentre of political intrigue. Or not.

The second victim was subtlety.

King Stannis' calling-card in the books is being a slave to duty and honour. But – and here’s the kicker – GRRM wrote of an attractive sorceress in Stannis' inner circle. Was something going on between the two? Subtlety teased: maybe yes, maybe no.

It was all too much for the HBO creature to resist. So in one of Stannis' first introductions to the viewing audience, HBO threw Stannis into a hot sex scene with the sorceress, wherein Stannis does his best impression of a teenage virgin.  After battling temptation for all of ten-seconds (which to HBO, must have seemed an eternity), Stannis gives in, breaks his life-long oath to his wife, and takes the sorceress on the nearest table. Stannis explains to the bewildered audience he does so because his “wife is sick” and he “wants an heir.” John Edwards was heard applauding vigorously from Washington.

The third victim was mystery.

The 1throne has not heard so much chatter since Party of 5! Absolutely nothing unsaid! The best TV shows (Lost, Mad Men, Battlestar Gallactica) always have some silence; perhaps a character alone with expressions doing the talking. But here, every character outright told the audience what they’re thinking, why they’re thinking it, and what they will do next.

Somewhere along the way, originality was lost to us too. After all else was gone, what remained were story-lines told in the same old, sensationalistic Hollywood ways; ways unchanged for decades.

Does this all mean that TV as a medium is to blame? Friend, nothing could be farther from the truth. Great TV storytelling is rare, but just watch the first five minutes of this Battlestar Gallactica episode (the part immediately after the “Previously On…” introduction). Nary a word is said. Yet the beauty of the story is told with subtlety, mystery, and grace. This is the writing GRRM deserved.

Whose idea was it to try and tell one 1,000 page book per season, anyway? Is there law that you can't tell it at a pace more appropriate for TV? Is storytelling a race to the end?

The 1throne Decrees: If you liked this episode of HBO's Game of Thrones, you are just plain wrong. Let's hope for a miracle next week. Let's hope something survived!